misseva

I live in New Orleans where I’m always within a one-block radius of a bar. You’d think that lots of bars would mean lots of dating potential, and yet no one ever seems to ask anyone out in this city! I’m sick of it! It’s not that hard to ask someone out. It’s really not! Here are step-by-step instructions:

1. Call the person you want to date. (CALL him or her; don’t email, facebook, myspace, or text message. Texting is LAME and reeks of cowardice.)
2. Ask the person if he or she would like to do something with you. Be specific. Don’t say “hang out sometime” or “meet up later.” Ask if he or she would like to go to dinner/drinks/coffee/a movie/the zoo/the wax museum, etc., and give a tentative day and/or time. Do NOT say “I’m going to Pat O’s with my friends tonight if you want to stop by.” That’s LAME. It makes the person feel like you don’t really care if they come or not. I know, I know, you want to make it seem like you don’t care so you can protect yourself from possible rejection. But really, you’re just being a wimpy baby.

So, there you have it. Just call and ask the person out. That’s all you have to do. It’s not hard.

“But I’m nervous,” you say. You’d rather text him or her “what are you up to tonight?” then hope that maybe you’ll meet up later when both of you are drunk, and then you will make out for awhile outside of Ms. Mae’s. Unfortunately, this is what the dating scene of our generation has been reduced to. It’s sad and lame. But let’s think. What are you really scared of? That the person will say no and you will be embarrassed? That’s it?! THAT’S what you’re scared of? Being chased by hungry lions, walking through a zombie-filled graveyard, being pregnant with an alien baby, these things are frightening. You’re afraid of feeling embarrassed? HAH! You are such a wimpy baby!

I’m getting really fed up with these cowardly, ball-less boys who are afraid to ask girls out. One summer, I’d been hanging out with a boy from my internship named Tom, and I could tell he liked me, but he wasn’t making any moves. I wasn’t that interested in him, but he was the cutest guy at work, and I thought I wouldn’t mind dating him if he’d just ask me out. But he wouldn’t. One day he drove me home from work, and when he pulled up in front of my house, I was so annoyed I said, “look, do you want to date me or what?”

He flushed and stared at the steering wheel. “Uh, no?”

I leaned over and kissed him. “Are you sure?”

He was too busy kissing me back. “Of course I want to date you,” he said finally. “I was just afraid you wouldn’t want to date me, and I didn’t want to freak you out.” What?! If you don’t have enough self-confidence to believe that people want to date you, then you need to go home and work on your ego. But if you think you’re a worthwhile person and people would want to date you, then they will.

Of course, my blunt technique doesn’t always work so well. Another time, I was hanging out with a boy named Mike who I was sure had a crush on me, but again, he wasn’t making any moves. I figured it worked so well with Tom, that I tried it again: “So, do you want to date me or what?”

“No, not really,” he said. “I thought we were just friends.”

“Oh. Okay,” I said. “That’s cool.”

It was a little awkward for a day or two, but then it blew over, and, five years later, we’re still friends. So, see, that’s the WORST that can happen. They don’t want to date you. OH NO. Is that really that bad? It’s a lot better than being eaten by lions or giving birth to a baby alien, I’ll tell you that.

I know, you’re worried about awkwardness. He/she might say no and then it will be awkward the next time you see him/her. Boo hoo for you. Here’s a little hint that might make your life more enjoyable: awkwardness is FUNNY. Also, if you’re able to laugh about it and treat it like it’s no big thing, it blows over pretty quickly. There are, of course, some things you can do to increase your chances of not getting rejected:

1. Ask people out when you get the vibe that they are interested in you. Don’t ask out, say, your best friend’s ex or the stripper from the bachelor party or the girl who was flirting with the bartender while you were trying to buy her a drink. Then you’re just setting yourself up for rejection.
2. It helps if you have a job, a car, a decent personality, and you don’t still live at home with your parents.
3. Try not to be a drug addict or mentally insane. If you are one of these things, you may need to work on your own personal issues before entering the dating scene.

Let’s review, shall we? Think of a person who you would like to get to know better in a possibly romantic way. CALL this person. Ask him or her to do something with you. A good rule is that if you are the one who did the asking, then you should be the one doing the paying. Another good rule is that the boy always pays on the first date. I’m not saying these are hard and fast rules, though. After all, people rarely go on dates anymore, so it’s tough to know. The point is, we need to be going out on more dates.

So, listen up, twenty-somethings of New Orleans and the world: we need to bring back dating! It’s dying fast, and it’s sad. It’s sad that I know many attractive, intelligent, fun-loving twenty-somethings (myself included) who never get asked out on dates. Guys ask for my number at bars, then they text me at 3 am with “wanna meet up?” It’s not exactly romantic. It doesn’t exactly knock my socks off. To all you wimpy babies out there, I say: do you wanna date me or WHAT? And if you do, grow a pair of balls and give me a call!

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